My Report Card at University of Epilepsy

Dear Jack,

It was six months ago already (or, finally?) that the events I detailed in this letter took place.  I can’t decide if it was a really fast six months, or a really slow six months.  It was probably one of those strange-yet-normal paradoxes in life in which it was simultaneously both fast and slow.

Regardless of the speed, I feel that God’s been teaching me lessons over this time, which I half-jokingly refer to as my first semester in UE (University of Epilepsy).  Below I list the courses of this semester, give brief description of each, report my current grade, and include notes from my instructors.

Patience 101: course focuses mostly on the need to slow down in life and realize that things won’t always happen when we want them to.  Main course instructor features the RRTA Bus System, but also adjunct appearances by Bad Weather and Fickle Appointments.  Grade: C Student has demonstrated an increase in patience from the start of the course, but still shows a tendency to become disgruntled when plans are suddenly rearranged.

Appreciation 101: course focuses on the ability to cultivate thankfulness for the things we often take for granted.  Course is facilitated by a panel of instructors featuring Driving Privileges, Flexible Employer, Loving Friends and Family, Lancaster City Coffee Shops, Gibbel Kraybill & Hess Attorneys, and a special appearance by the RRTA Bus System.  Grade: A+ Student has made tremendous leaps in appreciating the privileged blessings he once took as granted rights.

Flexibility 101: course is designed to be taken in conjunction with Patience, and focuses toward the fact that not only do we have little control of when things happen, we also have little control of if they happen, and we must focus only on the things that we can control.  Course instruction is jointly led by Work Schedule and Family Calendar.  Grade: B Student has shown good progress, and is showing evidence of overcoming years of always getting what he expected or desired.  Still some ground to make up, however.

Dependency 101:  course’s main objective is to teach the notion of independence as possibly an idea that has been falsely elevated to a trait most desired by our culture.  Course instructors include Wonderful Wife, Sacrificial Parents, the RRTA Bus System, and Medical Professionals.  Grade: A- Student has made tremendous strides in realizing the goal of independence is a fleeting goal, and he now cherishes the fact that he can rely on others in this life – and not only can he rely on them, he is enjoying the reliance on them.

The overarching concept that has been drilled down deep within me is the fact that in life we need to focus on What We Can Control, and simply acknowledge What We Can’t Control.  I didn’t voluntarily enroll at UE, and I’m not really sure when my graduation will ever be, but I’m ok with that.  It hasn’t been easy – but there’s been few times when I have let the frustration really get the best of me, and I’m remorseful of even those, mostly because I end up taking it out on the ones helping and loving me.

I want to draw special attention to Lydia, Mom and Dad, and Brandon Fisher for going above and beyond with shuttling me around, as well as Ron for being an outrageously generous employer.

Till next time, Jack.

Sincerely,
J.

5 Things We Should Do More Of

Dear Jack,

I was giving a presentation yesterday for a SCORE group of small business owners on financial planning, and I made the comment that 90% of financial planning is common sense, which I believe is true.  The remaining 10% is working out the details.   The sad part is that even though it’s common sense, most people don’t apply the principles.

And this triggered my mind to think of other things that are common sense, and we all should do more of – but we don’t, for whatever reasons.  Just off the top of my head, here are five of them:

1. Admit we don’t know.  There is this perceived negative connotation that not knowing something makes you less of a person, when in fact, I find that the ability to admit you don’t know makes you an even better person.  It shows humility, and honesty.  However, the “I don’t know” should be followed up with “But I’ll find out as quickly as I can” in most cases.  And when we really think about it: what’s worse – admitting you don’t know the answer to something, or pretending that you do and then getting called out on it?

2. Ask questions. This is tied into the first point, but is important enough to stand alone.  We, as a general population, don’t ask enough questions – questions to our doctors, our financial planners, our waitresses, our spouses.  Some of this is laziness, and some of it is pride.

3. Say thank you. Lydia and I drill into Adrianna, now almost 1 1/2 years old, to say thank you for everything, and yet often I find myself skimping out on gratitude to others in my life.  Like saying thank you to Lydia for picking up the house, or a heart felt thank you to the servers at Prince St Cafe, or to my parents for putting up with so much of my nonsense over the years.  Gratitude fosters appreciation, which fosters contentment, which fosters more gratitude.  I’ve actually created a “Gratitude List” in Google Docs which I try to read and add to each day.  It serves as a reminder of just how many things I have to be thankful for in life.

4. Take Sabbaths. Not in a legalistic way, but just be more intentional in finding time to rest – and not just for a few hours, but a good chunk of the day.  I taught a lesson at a men’s retreat several years ago about the need for Sabbath taking – and I defined the parameters of Sabbath activity as “doing what which brings you life, and not doing things you feel you have to.”

5. Ask ourselves “Why?” I think too many of us are victims of inertia – doing things just because that’s the way we’ve always done them.  Some quick example questions: Why do I believe in God?  Why am I working this job?  Why did I choose to live in the city?  Why am I attending this church?  Why am I writing these letters?  Why am I nervous about this meeting?  Asking the questions, and working out the answers, helps bring more clarity, direction, and purpose to what we’re doing with our lives.

There’s a lot more things that all of us should do more of, but here’s just five of them.  Try them out today, Jack, and see if they apply to your own life.  Till next time.

Sincerely,
J.

7 Thoughts on How to Talk to Anybody (and Everybody)

Dear Jack-

One thing I’ve found out in life is that there are some people who are natural conversationalists, and there are those who aren’t.  There are some people who can walk into a room and talk with anyone there, and there are others who won’t.  Realizing there are a whole lot of other sub-categories, I’ll leave them for another time.  I’ve, personally, found myself somewhat naturally being able to strike up and hold conversations with most people, and it was something I took as granted until recently.

These thoughts starting processing when doing some reading about my financial planning industry, and reading that the ability to listen and ask good questions is just as, if not more, important than actual expertise in products, strategies, and investments.  The listening/questions skill is infinitely harder to develop than the increase of knowledge.  This makes sense, and was one of those common truths that I probably always knew, but never realized.  But I took great courage from this, because I can always, and will, continually learn more about products, strategies, and investments – and can always find out the answer in a short amount of time if I need knowledge right then – but I can’t always, or as easily, develop the listening and questions skills.  They can certainly be learned and improved, but not at the rate of the products, strategies, and investments.

I say all of this because, depending on what job you may have or be pursuing, conversation skills are most likely going to be required of you.  You’ll always be able to increase your knowledge of your industry and services/products.  What I want to do is give you some basic advice on how to talk and listen to people, so as to prepare you for any job you may encounter or pursue.  And so I did some thinking of guidelines that I have, sometimes subconsciously, used to talk to both people I’ve met for the first time, and people I’ve known a long time.  They are:

1. Listen more than you speak. God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason.  No one likes to be around the person who talks 10x as much as everyone else.  You don’t need to count words, but just keep an idea of how much you’re talking.
2. Ask good questions.  Before some networking events, and definitely before client/prospective meetings, I prepare a list of questions that I want to ask, and have ready to ask.  People always will want to talk about themselves and their passions.  When meeting someone for the first time, they’ll mostly default to talking about their job.  Try to dig deeper – ask what they do for fun, what books they read, and what their plans are for the weekend.  Avoid religion and politics at those first conversations as much as possible.  Ask follow up questions- my favorite is “Why?”
3. Find common ground.  After asking some good questions and follow up questions, usually you find something, or someone, that you both know or enjoy.  Expound on that.
4. Share what your passions are.  And have these thought out as well.  It’s pretty lame when someone asks what’s been exciting in your life and you have nothing to share.  Think of what’s been going on lately in your own life lately, and have these stories ready to share.
5. Ask how you can help them.  This is fantastic, and usually catches people by surprise in first conversations.  After they’ve described what’s important to them, or what their job is, or an issue they have in life, ask how you can help.  You’ll be surprised at their answers, and then most of the time they’ll turn the question on you (and you should have an answer to this ready as well).
6. Realize that they may be feeling as awkward or intimated as you.  This is especially powerful for me, as I talk with some of the big wigs in Lancaster county.  I’ll never forget severals years ago, sitting at lunch with a CEO of a company with a few hundred employees, hearing how even as charismatic and outgoing as leaders seem, they still fight anxiety and fear in meeting new people.  This blew my mind, and immediately put me at ease.
7. Remember what people say, and their name.  I have, admittedly, a terrible memory, so this is tough for me.  If I really want to remember something someone said to me in a conversation, I’ll write it down.  A fantastic professional (or friend) is someone who asks if your kid’s feeling any better since last time they saw you 5 weeks ago.

My idea of a good conversationalist is someone who puts others at ease by avoiding awkwardness, is encouraging, listens intently, and can guide the conversation from beginning to end.  These 7 steps should help you become someone like that.  No matter what your job, I hope these will become beneficial, Jack.  Till next time.

Sincerely,
J.

The Best $5 I Ever Spent

Dear Jack,

As an upfront disclosure, I wrestled with whether or not to share this story.  I’m sensitive to the warning of people bragging about giving (see Matthew 6.1-4).  But, I’m more fearful of when giving goes too silent, because if it is done with the right heart, I think giving stories can encourage others to give more – and this is why I choose to share this giving story with you.

Last night I walked down to the CVS store, about a block from our home, to get Lydia some cold medicine and ice cream.  I had $6 on me in cash, and so I realized that I would need to use our debit card to make the purchases.  As I was checking out, I subconsciously heard to my left the following conversation:

Cashier: “That brings your total to $8.61 [or something close to that].”

Girl: “Oh.  [Silence]  Can we put the milk back then?”

Cashier: “Sure.  [Clicking away]  That brings your new total to $6.10 [or something close to that].”

Girl: “Oh.  [Silence].”

At this point I looked over, as it was kind of embarassing, as a number of people were looking at the scene, including me for the first time.  I saw two girls, maybe 16 and 14, in not the cleanest or most stylist of clothes, both looking at a single $5 bill held in the older one’s hands.

Girl: “I thought Mom said this would be enough.  Can we put the [other drink- I forget what] back?”

The Holy Spirit (and I say this with conviction) then took over.  I had finished signing my own receipt, and as I was putting it in my money clip took out my own $5 bill, and tried to give it to the girls’ cashier, who evidently was dumbfounded because she just looked at me blankly.  I then turned to the girl closest to me

Me: “Here, I think this should be enough.”

Girl: “Are .. you sure?”

Me: “Yeah, it’s no problem.”

Girl: “Thank you.  Thank you so much.”

The cashier took the bill from the girl and proceeded to get the change, and I told the girls to just keep the change.

I walked out of that building, still feeling the girls’ eyes on me, and onto Lemon St feeling high.  I couldn’t stop smiling.  I was so happy.  Five dollars.  I had to constrain myself from just bursting out with joyous laughter.  I think it was, in all honesty, one of the few times I was actually filled with the Spirit, and it was simply exhilarating.  I was literally the hands of Jesus in that brief moment.  God used me, I obeyed, and He flooded my heart with indescribable joy.

I got home, told Lydia the story, and couldn’t keep my eyes dry.  I have no idea how this is sounding to you, Jack, but it was unbelievably … good.  And all it took was $5.  Keep this in mind as you go about your everyday business, Jack.  You never know when the Spirit is going to prompt you – and when He does, be ready to respond and be ready to be happy.

Sincerely,
J.

An Average Lancaster Family Needs $55,000 to Survive?

Dear Jack,

This article was written in the Lancaster Newspapers by Tom Murse this past week.  It is based on a study by the University of Washington’s School of Social Work, which measures how much money families need across Pennsylvania to meet their basic needs.  (Emphasis, obviously, added).  According to the report, a family in Lancaster County needs to earn $54,821 just to make ends meet.  While I’m not going to flat out dismiss their studies, this number needs some further explanation.  Or maybe more accurately, the idea of survival needs some further explanation.

First off, I believe that a slight conflict of interest should be disclaimed, namely, that a school of social work has a vested interest in a report that shows that poverty levels should be raised (whether or not they should raised is another issue, even if I am in agreement that they should be).

Regardless of any conflict of interest, however, these numbers still seem high.  Numerous times in the article, the clarifying terminology includes “to survive,” “to meet basic needs,” “to get by”, “can’t survive,” “meet costs of basic necessities,” and to “make ends meet.”  These are pretty bottom line expressions.  And it calls into question, what does it mean to “survive”?

For me, I think of my own financial situation.  A wife and one-year old at home, with me being the sole income earner in a profession that has an extremely sloped earning curve, with that curve not necessarily being lucrative in the beginning.  We earn significantly less than the $55,000 in question, and, at the risk of sacrificing more eternal rewards, we give a significant portion of our income away.  And we’re surviving.  I would even argue that we live a pretty good life.  Sure, we live in a house that we’ll eventually outgrow (maybe), and we don’t take those flashy vacations three times a year, we drive cars that are more than five years old, we don’t buy designer clothes, and we don’t dine out twice a week – but we’re sure making ends meet.

What do these “basic necessities” include?  Tom Murse listed some: housing, child care, food, transportation, and health care.  But lets unpack those a bit.

• Housing.  What do people “need” to live in?  Do families just starting out really need that $250,000 house in the suburbs, the type that their parents live in (and the kids just forget that it took 30 years to “earn” that type of house)?  I think a lot of families who have seen an increase in income over the years have suffered from lifestyle inflation, which is simply increasing our expenses as our income goes up, which never increases cash flow margin and leaves you never getting ahead in the game of life.  What is “needed” and what is just extra?

• Child care.  Personally, we opted out of this one – but this topic raises the issue of just how much value is there in a second spouse working?  At work, we encourage our clients to look past the second income’s gross amount.  How much will child care cost?  How much more do you pay in transportation?  Non-reimbursed work expenses?  Upgraded wardrobe?  These all assume a family with two parents, and so the single-parent families may be limited in options with this expense.

• Food.  This figure is given in the article.  It says that the cost of feeding a family of four in Lancaster is $695 a month.  If you break this cost down per family member ($695 / 4 = $173.75), it is three times the amount that we spend on groceries in a month per member… and our groceries budget line includes toiletries.  How much food, and what types of food, do you need to survive?

• Transportation.  This is a personal pain point with me.  College graduates do not need to reward themselves with a $25,000 car (and a crippling $350 monthly payment) after they land their new job.  I’m not against having nice cars – not in the least.  What I am against is buying cars that you can’t afford … which, according to some of my friends in the car business, just about everybody does.  Does it really make sense to pay interest on a depreciating asset?  And so again, I call into question how much car is necessary to survive?  Both of our cars are pushing the 200k mark – and we’re more than surviving with them that way.

• Health care.  This is a pretty non-negotiable item, unfortunately.  I work for a smaller employer, and so we don’t have the greatest benefits of larger employers that can pool from a larger employee base – but again, we still survive.  I think the biggest key is to understand exactly what options you have with insurance, and to maximize those options.  So in contrast to the other listed items, with the possible addition of child care, this cost is truly necessary to survive, and there is little we can do to control it.

This article was enlightening to me – but I just have to call into question the underlying premise of the argument.  What does it mean to survive?  It pushes my buttons of contentment, which should be regardless of income, and the biblical command to live beneath our means – two topics that I deal with daily with my profession.  $55,000 to survive?  I don’t think so.  I know of people who have never earned that much in a year and who are on track for a lifetime of financial independence, not just today, but for tomorrow’s retirement.

I’ll wrap up with an admonishment to you, Jack, to as I’ve said time and time again, seek contentment and live beneath your means.  Till next time, Jack.

Sincerely,
J.